Processing my anxiety

It was a beautiful day outside.  The sun was shining, the temperature was 75 degrees, and there was a constant breeze with this slightest hint of the arrival of fall.  All around me were trees, manicured grounds, and nature highlighted by the sound of the lake lapping at the shoreline.  I’m not the outdoorsy type but even someone like me would have to admit it was as close to the perfect day as they come.  Our church staff was there surveying the grounds in preparation for our upcoming annual baptism service.  Everyone was smiling and laughing while I kept to myself.  Someone would reference something that happened last year while I stood confused by my lack of ability to recollect any of it.  I had been there a year ago but it was during the time my grandmother (someone I was extremely close to) was lying in the hospital ICU fighting for her life following a massive stroke that led to a craniotomy.  The thoughts that crowded my mind were flashbacks of the sight of IV’s, the beeping of a heart monitor, and the sound of oxygen being thrust into her lungs as a machine breathed for her…… but only faint memories of my first day at that lake.  Those thoughts left me breathless, paralyzed, and feeling helpless.  As I stood on the shoreline staring at the ground I fervently prayed, “Please God……I need you right now….this is too much.”  Then my eye caught something on the ground.  I bent to pick it up.  Is that….?  I smiled as it smile back at me.  It may seem odd to you but I sensed the Holy Spirit say, “Don’t worry, be happy,” as that incessant repetitive tune from the late 80’s played in my head.  What I had found was a type of nut from a tree there at the lake (above is an actual picture of it) that had a smiley face on it.  No doubt the face had been created over time by nature and the elements though I like to imagine it was made just for me by God himself.  There were others on the ground, though none matched my own personal Wilson (a reference of the soccer ball from the movie Castaway-you’ll have to watch the movie to understand).  In that moment the peace of the Holy Spirit began to wash over me and the anxiety was replaced with genuine joy as I laughed at the little nut and showed it to everyone.  It was then I knew I would be ok. 

Anything can trigger memories of a traumatic event.  Those moments can bring on wave after wave of all-consuming emotions, anger, frustration, hurt, guilt, and more.  As I’ve shared before, this past year has brought on a multitude of issues I’ve been forced to deal with for the first time in my life, all associated with personal tragic/traumatic events in my life.  Through Godly counsel, I’m am overcoming and learning how to handle certain issues as they arise.  I am learning how imperative it is to make sure I am processing my anxiety when those moments come.  I can’t prevent it from happening but I am learning the importance of, “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;” [2 Corinthians 10:5]  The enemy will use any trick he can to prevent us from being ministered to or ministering to others.  What we experience during those attacks are exactly what the above scripture references–imaginations/falsities/lies.  We feel helpless and overcome with uncontrollable emotions that leave us desiring to be alone and ostracize ourselves.  By doing so, we leave ourselves wide open to attacks.  There are many things that happen in our lives that we have no control over.  But it’s imperative we remember God promised us He would be with us every step of the way.  He never leaves. He never forsakes. 

Closing remarks and encouragement:  Our first instinct is to feel shameful or frustrated by these types of issues.    I want to encourage you to search for and find the silver lining in each situation.  The very event that brought me anxiety (in the story referenced above) has allowed me to minister to others who are dealing with the same issues.  My test is becoming my testimony.  My stumbling block is now becoming my stepping stone.  I echo Joseph’s sentiment in Genesis 50:20 as I proclaim to the enemy, “You meant evil against me, but God used it for good!” 

Side note:  I keep Wilson on my desk now as a daily reminder that God is always at work on my behalf. 

Have a blessed week, my friends!

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